Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Not My Own Understanding

I don't claim to know everything about raising a newborn. But I also am no stranger to them.  I know the sleepless nights and diaper changes, spit up and their general neediness/helplessness.  I am however, somewhat a stranger to "healthy" newborns since the ones I have cared for have always been drug babies and medically fragile ones.  I know they change your lifestyle and make life busier and us more tired.  But I also know the joy that comes from caring for God's precious little ones.  And for that reason, I know it is worth every second of lifestyle change.

I am also no stranger to having to say goodbye.  I am not good at them.  I hate them.  I don't look forward to them or look back on them with fond memories.  But I have had too much practice with them to not know what to expect or how to handle them.  All the babies I have helped raise have been foster babies and it becomes necessary at one point or another to let them go.

Being a mother is something I have wanted to be since I was as young as I can remember... and even these 30 years later, remains a great desire the Lord has yet to fulfill.  And it may never be.  I fully know that.  It remains something I have to continually surrender to the Lord.

I struggle as a single woman to know just what to do sometimes when the desire is so strong.  It's hard to hear mamas complaining about their children, neglecting them, giving up on them or even dumping them on the side of the road.  Some people are well intentioned and say "Enjoy your freedom", "You get to be around lots of kids... but it's even better because you can just send them home" "it's so much work" or my favorite... "You'll understand someday. Just you wait."

.. I am.

And I have been for a long time.  But I do think I've played enough of a "mothering role" to understand what I am missing out on.  I can get very jealous when I watch families interacting and mothers mothering. I know that is a sinful response of mine and I am working with the Lords help, to overcome that.  While I am thankful and blessed to be able to do what I do right now... it doesn't erase one of my deepest desires.  And that is to be a wife and mom.

Many older single girls struggle with feeling lesser or pitied or unwanted.  Often times we feel younger and are treated so simply because of the "single" status. It's almost as if adulthood isn't something to be attained until you're married.  It can be hard to feel treasured and precious in God's sight because we don't have that picture here on earth.  But it's true none the less and it's only Satan's way of making us feel worthless so we will give up on the callings God has on our lives.

You might be wondering where I am going with all this.  And you'll just have to wait.  ;)

I am not writing this to complain or seek affirmation.  I hope this isn't taken that way.  I'm not pining or hopeless.  It's taking a great amount of courage to share my inner heart so publicly.  But I am sharing because it is something I am learning and continuing to grow through.  I am seeing how all the things the Lord has brought me through in my life (the desires from a young age, caring for foster kids, the goodbyes and even singleness) have prepared me for life here in Uganda.  There have been and still are so many years of wondering "Why this, God?" And "Why don't you do it this way?", but it's so amazing to be able catch glimpses every now and then of God's bigger and more beautiful picture!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.
Proverbs 3:5&6

Pray for me as I continue to follow the commands in this verse!