Trust

"Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God"

- Corrie Ten Boom

 

This quote was on a birthday card I recently recieved from my brother and sister in law for my 30th birthday.  They had picked it out for me many weeks before having no idea that I would need to be reminded of just what it said on that day especially. 

30 is a hard age for many women to turn.  A big milestone.  Maybe not "old" quite yet, but it certainly is a stark reminder that you're not a kid anymore.  Birthdays tend to be the time of year that I take a good, hard look at my life over any other time of the year.  And this one was especially that way. 

 

Everyone wants their life to have meaning, purpose and a direction.  We all have dreams and plans for our lives and do our best to accomplish those.  Each one of us has God-given desires, passions and giftings that shouldn't be wasted, but should be used.  Looking at the direction of our lives can bring excitement, but there are times it can also bring lots of confusion and frustration.

 

Prov 16:9 The mind of a man plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps.

 

There are many desires of my heart.  Good desires!  Desires I believe are from God! 

But they are also desires that have yet to be fulfilled. 

My "dream" for as long as I can even remember has been to be a wife, mommy and missionary.  In a way I have been able to play a "mommy" role to some little ones through foster care and I can be a missionary wherever I am, so in a way those dreams have already been fulfilled...

they've just not been fulfilled in the way I pictured and I planned it would be.

 

  Sometimes the path of our lives can seem so certain.  You see what lies ahead and are looking forward to what you think your destination is, putting one foot in front of the other to reach it...

but there are also the sudden turns that can leave us reeling and somewhat lost for a bit. 

We have a choice as to what to do in those situations though. 

We can allow them to send us crashing down in despair or we can fix our eyes on our Maker - trusting Him - knowing that He knows what He's doing even if we can't see it. 

 He's got the map! 

 

 

 I am thankful to have twists and turns in my life because of the growth they bring even though they can be so painful and stretching and confusing. 

 

 They help me to see that I am not the one in control. 

 

That I can't fix anything. 

 

That I am weak. 

 

 That I am totally and completely lost without my Guide! 

 

 It puts me in a right position of full dependance on God alone.  More than anything, I want the desires of my heart to be GOD's desires for me!  I know that His perfect plans are for my good and for His glory!

 

 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not on your own understanding.  In ALL your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. Prov 3:5

 

I admit that I don't understand some pieces of my life or why God has me where I am right now.

But I do trust Him.

Sometimes I am able to look back and see His merciful hand in my life and can see why some of those twists and turns were necessary and GOOD. 

 

 

He is molding me and shaping me.  I am dirty, muddy clay and He is the skilled craftsman - creating something that one day will be beautiful.  There are a great many things I don't understand... but I've realized that I don't have to. 

 

That's what trust is!

 

I simply need to rely completely on God alone and not on what I can understand!  Our joy and contentment does not count on the circumstances we find ourselves in.  I am still learning to be content and joyful and to let go of my own dreams.  This doesn't mean I can't still desire them, but it's the deliberate action of sacrifice, trusting God to do as He wills with my life, serving Him in whatever way will bring Him glory and desiring His plan above my own.   

 

 

 

I am embarking on a path that will "accomplish" one of those dreams.  Not to be a "check off the list", but something I think God has been preparing me for and directing my heart to for many many years.  I think it's finally the right time to go where I've always wanted to go and the Lord is opening doors!  I'm trusting Him as I step through each one and I pray I will be content and continue to trust Him when I come to a closed one. 

 ...Those closed doors are often hard to accept.

I know I will be scared, lonely, dirty, sometimes sick, lost and overwhelmed.  I can't say I'm ready for it, but who ever feels completely prepared? 

I am asking for prayers in these next months ahead.  I need wisdom and discernment to seek and find what the Lord has for me in Uganda.  I want to be used by Him in whatever way He wants!

I will share more information in the weeks ahead, but for now I just ask that you join me in prayer as I take this next step on the journey God has me on!

 

 

 

Regrets?



Yes, but not the kind you imagine.

 

It's taken me three long months to write this blog post as I always end up in tears and unable to see the keys to type, but I feel led to press on and share. 

Two precious little ones who we have had the honor and privilege of caring for over the last 3+ years have gone.

 I can't share their story on here, but I can share a little of my heart and what the Lord has been teaching me through it all.  I wish there were more stories shared to help prepare foster families for these inevitable times and so that is why I open my hurting heart right now.  So often our families go into orphan/foster care with starry eyes, ready to change the world one child and family at a time!  While these are great intentions, we also have to be prepared for what is REALLY to come...
 

Our family's life was as peaceful as could be.  We have been blessed and want to share our lives, share the love of God, with others.  Through the Lord's leading we entered the foster care world.  Since then we have been beaten, bruised, down trodden, faced with spiritual warfare, accused, abused, used, tossed, loved and lost.  Were we told we'd go through this?  Yes and no.  In the required training it gets touched on briefly... "but let's not mention it too much or we'll scare away prospective (and very needed) families"! 
But wait!  We WERE told we would face pain and hardships!  Right in the Bible Jesus Himself tells us we will! 
John 16:33 "...in the world you will have tribulation.  But take heart; I have overcome the world!"
 Would we/do we do it all again?  Yes.  And we continue on ONLY because we have also seen the beauty in it all.  God's stories.  Even through a completely devistated, broken and disgusting system, we still see God working.  I know our family wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for the hardships we have been through. 
James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
While we still lack much, through the lessons we have learned, we have all grown closer to our Lord and Savior which makes EVERYTHING worth it.
 

I allow my heart to attach to these children so deeply.  To love them as my own.  I try to love them as Christ loves them... even though I fall far short of that!  Some say in order to do orphan/foster care you need a "certain kind of love".  That love is assumed to be the kind that can care for these kids for a time and then send them on to the next place (be it to go back to their birth family, another foster home or to be adopted) and be ok with it... no emotional discomfort, or at least not too much.  Most people don't love like that.  Believers don't love like that!  And every single one of these kids needs the kind of love that is NOT like that.  These are hurting kids!  They need someone to show them the Someone who won't ever leave them or forsake them!  They need a person who is willing to risk their own heart for the sake of theirs.  Is it hard?  Is it painful?  Is it torturous?  Absolutely, 110% yes!  After these kids move on we are left with a changed heart and life, one that is battered and worn, but by the grace of God, stronger and healthier than before!  We are left with great sorrow either simply because we miss them - even though we know they are safe and happy or because we miss them - yet are afraid for their lives if they've gone into an unsafe placement.
 

It's also hard because we are left wondering what they must be thinking and feeling right now.  Are they feeling abandoned by us?  Do they think we've forgotten them?  Do they remember me?  Do they remember our songs we'd sing or books we'd read?  Have they lost that wiggly tooth yet?  How is potty training going?  Are they gaining weight properly and being fed nutritious foods?  Who do they run to when they get hurt?  Are they sleeping through the night?  Are they having nightmares?  Are they safe, healthy and happy?  Do they know how much I love them? 
Do they remember that God loves them and will never leave them even when everyone around them fails to do so?
 I can only pray that they do.  And no one on earth can stop me from praying for them even when I can do nothing for them physically right now.
 

Right now my little ones are missionaries in a place that desperately needs God's light.  God is using these children of His and orchestrating things all according to His plan, even though it looks terribly messy to me.  He loves these kids even more than I do... which is hard to understand!  When I think they are too young, too fragile, too small and innocent, He says they are vessels of His and are needed there right now.  We did everything in our human power to protect them, but God is showing me that it is really only Him, and Him alone who protects His children.  We'll never know what the Lord's plan is for tomorrow, but I know He holds them and protects them according to His perfect will. 
 

It's painful to be away from them, to not talk to them, to not see them, to not tell them how much I love them, to not tuck them into bed each night after saying prayers making sure that blankie is placed just right, to not hear their sweet voices or feel their hands give me a hug around the neck, to not wipe their runny noses or not be the one to put a band aid on their knee.  I even miss the hard... tantrums, messes, endless laundry, whining and squabbles. 
Please mothers!  Don't complain about all the hard work and messes!  Be THANKFUL for them!  Be thankful you have the work and mess-makers!  They are blessings!  Praise God for each slimy finger print, the crayon "artwork" on the wall and that 3rd accident of the day due to toilet training.  They are blessings.  They really are when seen in a different perspective.

~~~
 

So, any regrets?  Yes. 
But not because I wish I had loved them less to save my own heart from the aching.
 
I regret not holding them more... until my arms fell off,
 

Telling them how much I love them... until I was blue in the face,
 

Watching their breath as they slept... until my eyes dried up,
 

Playing cars and princesses... and left my chores and "important" tasks until later,
 

I regret not sharing even more of Christ's undying love for them...
 until I had NO breath left in my body.
 

The things we think are important, really don't matter at all.  Our hearts and lives are not our own to do with as we feel safe and comfortable.  As followers of Christ, we are to follow His example.  He gave his life up for us, even though we are far from deserving it!  I'm sure Jesus was the opposite of safe and comfortable.  There are countless hurting children out there.  How can we stand by, afraid of hurting our own hearts, afraid of the pain when we have to give up a child we have grown to love? 

Being a follower of Christ is the hardest yet most beautiful life imaginable.  I pray that someday I will learn to love with no regrets!



 

My Mother

My mom has always been a great example to me growing up. 

She always made sure we had the basics... full bellies, clean clothes, good sleep, play time, changed our diapers and took us to doctor/dentist appointment.  We were kept safe and clean, taught good manners and how to pick up our room, do our chores and how to share. 

 

These things are just the basics.  The things all kids should have.  The truth is, not all kids get a mother like I do!  Some kids don't even get the basic love and care like this.  Their booboos go unkissed, their stories go unlistened to and they are stuck in front of a TV never to see the inside of a book, not to mention, never hearing the name of Jesus!  It makes me extra thankful to know I am extra blessed because I have a mother who goes above and beyond just these "basics".  She lives a very selfless life.  She is a living example of how God designed the wife and mother to be.  She loves and cares for us in a million and one quiet and thankless ways.  There are so many things you don't even notice she's done until she's not there.  She's always the first one up, even if she's had a long night with a baby.  She'll suddenly have "nothing important to do" and sit and hold a child needing some extra love and attention.  Even when she was fed up with the foster care system she didn't hesitate to say yes to another!  Honestly, if it weren't for Mama's tireless research Abbie would still be seizing daily and continue to take steps backward.  Her "time off" would be to go grocery shopping or her own doctor's appointment and not on a coffee date like lots of women get to.  Especially since Abbie got sick she has not gone many places.  When she does go out, it's for church, doctors appointments or therapy. 

 

And this is all her choice!  She does it because it is God's calling on her life and she lives faithfully for His glory and not her own.  I know how blessed I am to have the opportunity to be taught and trained by this amazing mother and hope one day I can be like her!    



One Whole Year!

Today marks ONE WHOLE YEAR since Abbie got sick!  Remember?

I will never forget that terrible day when I found her seizing only to have her go limp and lifeless one moment and back to convulsions the next. It's been a hard, ugly, beautiful, growing and BLESSED year! The Lord is SO good! He is SO faithful! He is SO powerful! Even though a year later, we don't have a ton of answered questions, we know we serve a God Who knows all.

 It is Him alone who has preserved her life and has every little detail under control. The same God who created the sky, animals and trees (oh, and He made the stars too) knows this little one of His from the inside out and knows what each day ahead will bring. And guess what? It is ALL for His glory alone! None of this is a mistake. But all of this happened to bring glory to His name! Even through all the "tough", we are honored and blessed to have had a front row seat to His awesomeness!

We look forward to what God will do in the year ahead and pray that through our precious Abbie, others will be drawn to the one true God!

 

 

Adoption Slide Show!

Here it is!  I have a new sister and this is her life's story so far...  God has great plans for her life and its been beautiful to have been witness and a part of it so far.

 

Abbie's Adoption

 

 

 

 

To Mama and Daddy

 

Mama and Daddy,

 

Do you remember the day we got the call?  Just 2 months after Daddy's heart attack we were hosting a "Frustrated Foster Families" gathering at our house.  While we all had foster cases that looked hopeless and set up for doom... agencies were looking for a home for a brand new baby.  Even when you were feeling overwhelmed with everything, you immediately said yes!  Little did we know that the baby they told us we'd have for only a couple weeks would officially become a family member a year and a half later!  So much has happened in that year and a half and our family has grown stronger in the Lord because of it. 

 

Baby A immediately snuggled into our hearts forever and we knew it would be hard to give her up.  We thought "giving her up" would mean when she was supposed to go to her bio-family members, little did we know it truly meant giving her up to the Lord and His perfect will for her life.  After watching her first smiles and laughs and seeing her learn to sit, crawl and stand, all we could do was watch and pray as the baby we love was literally dying right in front of our eyes.  You had protected her from everything possible in her first 10 months but then there was nothing any of us could do when her seizures started.  Those horrible weeks in the PICU are ingrained in our minds forever, but they were days where we were reminded once again that God is in control of every breath we breathe and every beat of our hearts.  When things seemed out of control to us, everything was going according to plan for Him! 

 

Thank you for listening to the Lord's command to care for the least of these even through the hardships and spiritual warfare you've faced.  God has immensely blessed and grown us all because you have been faithful to His calling.  I doubt you ever saw your life leading this way, but look at what the Lord has done in you and through you!  At a time in life where you could have been going on cruises, golfing and enjoying a clean house in peace and quiet, you instead chose to do mounds of paperwork, be subject to volatile birth parents, go to countless doctor's appointments, sleep on uncomfortable hospital beds, trip over toys, listen to whining and the same kid songs over and over, research strollers and seizure disorders, clean up vomit and administer daily urine tests!  All this is stuff that you didn't "have" to do.  But because of your sacrifice, these kids the Lord has brought us are seeing the sacrifice our Savior did for ALL of us!  He didn't "have" to die for us, but He did because He loves us.  Thank you for being an earthly example of Christ's love and sacrifice for us. 

 

 Mike, Becca and I are thankful for both of you and for the loving upbringing we had.  We're thankful to have been born to such great role models and are thankful that these children now get to be blessed by the great parents that they deserve and need. 

 

We love you!

Love, All of your children

Her Eyes, please read

It's been busy around here now that Baby is home, but all is well and I will be posting again soon.  For now though I wanted to share a beautiful post my friend did after visiting many different orphanages in one week.  This is just one of the MANY babies she met.  Please read and be moved...

Her Eyes